Lonely Nights

Well.. the diet is working.  I am in the smallest pair of pants I own.  I have however been craving beef.  Today I had a small steak.. it was delicious.

The only thing is as I fill my days my nights seem more lonely.  I spend more time in the evenings missing my husband.  It seems the more routine things became the more obvious the times are that Chris is not here.  Earlier when days ran into days I missed Chris but it wasn't like it is now it was frequent but not every night when chores were done and I sit down to watch television.

Wellbeing

So I met with a nurse from EHRC last Friday and she left me a pamphlet on biofeedback.  It sounds good but I don't think I am there yet.  I called her about it and some other questions on Wednesday and suggested I see my psychiatrist and pursue my planned EMDR (which has been put on hold until I see the psychiatrist needed to put me on disability). 

I suggested I wait until May to try biofeedback and I felt like she was pressuring me to change counsellors.  I have a counsellor at the Children's hospital and I love her I don't know why I need a new counsellor it would be like starting all over again.  She is also pushing really hard for me to leave my baby with her while I go to counselling.  I nicely said he is good he can just stay with me but she won't let it go.

I am trying to get my well being in order and I think I am on the right track.  I am losing weight, working on fitness, playing with my babe, starting monthly massages, going to the chiropractor, eating an ounce of dark chocolate a day, drinking green tean and YJ and now launching my own YJ business.  Isn't that enough?!

Why can't I be angry

I wish sometimes that I could be angry at Chris for passing away.  I could harness the anger and use it for good but I am just sad and depressed and when that happens I get nothing done and I feel worse.  I try to keep life scheduled so I don't fall into depression but sometimes I just can't help it.

As for the diet I have decided I have 2 hurdles to overcome:

1) redefining the word treat not to be associated with food but rather beauty treatments so when I have a craving for something sweet I can going to try whitening my teeth or getting a pedicure.

2) Portion control.  I am blessed to have a friend who is a personal trainer.  We were chatting on facebook and he asked if he could send me some materials.  I welcome all the help I can get.  He asked me to do a nutrition journal.  I thought it was pointless on this diet but it does show that I consider a portion to be 2 cups.  When I have soup or salad it is always 2 cups.  I would really like to get my stomach down to 1 cup.